Sunday, June 3, 2012


i suppose one could say that i'm a complex individual.  although, i'm sure we all are.

i don't know why it's taken me so long, but to be truthful, i still don't know my limits until i've passed them.

looking back, we always have the benefit of hindsight.  i can look back at things that i've done, and think, "wow, i can't believe i did that."  "i can't believe i was such an idiot."  "i can't believe i pulled through that."  we all do that.  we all have highlights and low times that we look back on, and it gives us strength to press on.

however, the last couple of years, i keep thinking that there is going to come a time when i finally call "uncle."  i think to myself, "if i have to go through this one more time, i am not going to make it."  and then whatever it is happens again, and i wake up the next day, giving myself another ultimatum. 

why do we do that?  why do we almost defeat ourselves before we're even put into a particular situation?  is it that we don't believe in ourselves enough?  is it that we look back and think, "but i've already been through so much!"  do we feel sorry for ourselves and want to give ourselves a way out?  do we doom ourselves by imagining another go-round of a particular situation?  or are we simply too coward to cry "uncle" in the here and now?

i would like to think that i don't cry "uncle" because i'm so tenacious and that i am the eternal optimist.  but i know that's not always the truth.  i don't want to give up on something, or someone.  ever.  i want to hold out hope that things will be okay.  i believe that whatever it is, i can fix it, i can make it right, and i can believe that okay-ness into reality.

and things will always be okay.  always.  sometimes it just sucks in the process.

and it's a blow to the ego when things don't turn out as okay as i would like.

and there's a big part of me that's starting to realize that i have to quit taking responsibility for others' actions.  i need to stop feeling responsible for the choices that other people make.  and i need to stop trying to find my fault in their situations and their decisions.

that's a tough thing to swallow.

the truth is, no matter the outcome, the only thing that we can do is what we do....we can't plan around an outcome, a possible insult, a perceived slight.  we need to love anyway, be happy anyway, smile anyway, cry anyway, give anyway.  even on the days when we think we're at out lowest, or we're facing our toughest challenge, another person may be relying on our love, our smile, our gift, to pull out of something that's tougher than any of us will ever know.  maybe they are crying "uncle," and they need us to take the pressure off.