Monday, August 6, 2012

recurring dreams


i've been a really really naughty girl this summer.

i think i've only been to church, like, three times.  that's really not good.

and i really don't have any good excuses.  the first two times i missed were for legit reasons....i was on call and had to work.  and then, it was like, i just didn't want to, or i found other reasons i had to be home.  or, rather, i wanted to be home.  okay.  that's not okay.

and i can't figure out why i didn't want to go.  i love my church.  LOVE.  like, in capitals and underlined and italicized.  i fit there.  i love the people there.  i can have a for real, nitty gritty conversation with the Lord there and i feel like i'm home when i'm there.  

last night, i had the latest in a string of recurring dreams that i've had since i was a little girl.  i have always had these recurring nightmares about tornadoes.  i think this probably spawns from my mother's fear of them when i was little.  mom would seriously FREAK when there was inclement weather, and i probably translated that into my head.  but whenever i would have the dreams, i could always see the tornado, my family was always there, and i could somehow, in my dream, control something in the situation....whether it was getting away from it, or whatever.  and i'm sure, being as type-A as i am, that the whole reason that tornadoes scare the crap out of me is that element of non-control and chaos that the tornado represents.

the last few times, last night being the most recent, my mom has been in the dreams.  and she's there, and she's ever-so calm.  she's laughing, she's in control.  i can see her, she's guiding me, she's listening, she's offering advice, and in every one of these tornado dreams she's in, no one is hurt, no one is sacrificed, and i wake up without the panicked feeling that i usually wake up with.

which makes me this possibly a way that she's trying to reach out to me?  is she trying to tell me to get my butt back to church, to have a convo with the Big Man himself?  is she just letting me know she's there?  is she offering me guidance?  or is my subconscious relying on coping mechanisms i used to have several years ago?