i've been a really really naughty girl this summer.
i think i've only been to church, like, three times. that's really not good.
and i really don't have any good excuses. the first two times i missed were for legit reasons....i was on call and had to work. and then, it was like, i just didn't want to, or i found other reasons i had to be home. or, rather, i wanted to be home. okay. that's not okay.
and i can't figure out why i didn't want to go. i love my church. LOVE. like, in capitals and underlined and italicized. i fit there. i love the people there. i can have a for real, nitty gritty conversation with the Lord there and i feel like i'm home when i'm there.
last night, i had the latest in a string of recurring dreams that i've had since i was a little girl. i have always had these recurring nightmares about tornadoes. i think this probably spawns from my mother's fear of them when i was little. mom would seriously FREAK when there was inclement weather, and i probably translated that into my head. but whenever i would have the dreams, i could always see the tornado, my family was always there, and i could somehow, in my dream, control something in the situation....whether it was getting away from it, or whatever. and i'm sure, being as type-A as i am, that the whole reason that tornadoes scare the crap out of me is that element of non-control and chaos that the tornado represents.
the last few times, last night being the most recent, my mom has been in the dreams. and she's there, and she's ever-so calm. she's laughing, she's in control. i can see her, she's guiding me, she's listening, she's offering advice, and in every one of these tornado dreams she's in, no one is hurt, no one is sacrificed, and i wake up without the panicked feeling that i usually wake up with.
which makes me wonder....is this possibly a way that she's trying to reach out to me? is she trying to tell me to get my butt back to church, to have a convo with the Big Man himself? is she just letting me know she's there? is she offering me guidance? or is my subconscious relying on coping mechanisms i used to have several years ago?