between christmas, new years, the day that mom passed away, working, call, delivering a baby...it's been a little hectic.
i know that my anxiety and worry have gotten the best of me lately. the hardest lesson that i've been faced with in my life, by far, is learning to let go.
learning to let go means different things to different people, and it does this with me as well. not only do i have to let go of things that i can't control, but i have to let go of people in my life, let go of relationships that are not healthy, let go of worry, let go of family, and let go of myself.
these are extremely difficult for me to do. i have always been a type A personality. the most common thing i got scolded for as a child was being bossy. i have always been my own harshest critic, and i have always demanded more of myself than i expect of others. i'm not sure what that makes me. perhaps that's why i went into family medicine.
truly, though, i enjoy helping other people. i really do. i enjoy doing things for others, just for the fun of it. not always, i know. but most of the time.
however, when it's quiet, and i'm left to my own thoughts, i am a worrier. i plan. i have a hard time being spontaneous. i try to imagine every situation and scenario and plan for all possible outcomes. learning to let the worry go, and plan but not over analyze, has been an extremely difficult and on-going task. i know i drive my husband and kids and coworkers crazy. i know. i need to learn to be more flexible.
most of all, i need to learn to trust in God's plan. i realize that worrying in such a way takes away the glory of God, and the trust i need to place in Him for all things to happen in his time. that's not to say that we don't plan, and save, and be organized. but it's so hard for me to find the fine line between the two sometimes. i have to constantly remind myself to keep things on the side of trusting Him, and not trusting myself too much.
this is truly something i've struggled with my entire life. being my own harsh critic is example number one. constantly second-guessing myself, and striving to the point of nausea to be a better person in other people's eyes is the most self-destructive trait i have. and i think there is a difference between striving to improve and never accepting yourself. i have, for the most part, finally become comfortable with the person that i am. i'm continuing to learn about myself, about my tendencies, and about how they can help and hurt me and the people around me.
i have to give things over to God, and trust that He will guide me and that He has a plan for the things in my life. instead of being critical of myself, i have to learn to see the good that i have brought to others and myself. and there is evidence all around me...in the smile of my children, in the embrace of my husband, in the purr of my kittens, in the voices of my patients when they feel better or have a baby or simply say, "thank you."
i know that ultimately, when i finally learn to let go, that is when i will receive.