be brave, young grasshopper

i want to get brave enough to do this....

it's me that i have to get over.  jay wouldn't care...if i'm happy, then he's happy.  but that's what i want to do.  could be funked out, or smoothed down....and would be cool in the summer.  hmm....can i do it?  that's the question.  we shall see.  


like anything big, i must think on it for awhile.

we've come a long way, baby

ten years ago, there was this...

and this...

six years ago, there was this...

five years ago, there was this boy...

and this girl....

and they got married... 

now there is this...



and this...

and this... 

and this...

i love you, baby.

shelter from the storm

"come in," she said, "i'll give you shelter from the storm."

it seems of late that there has been a lot of sadness surrounding us.  in family, in friends, people are suffering....from illness, from poor decisions, from dramatic life events. 


and my husband, bless his heart, is more a caring individual than he would ever have you believe.  i'm not sure why he denies it so vehemently, but he really is a very kindhearted person.  he cares for those around him, and he cares what they think.  he cares if someone is hurting, and he wants to help.  he truly will drop everything else to make sure that someone has what they need, and he does so to the best of his ability.  it's part of why i love him so much.


and as of late, i feel almost like the four of us, Hubs, the kids, and me, are holding hands in a circle, and the events are spiraling around us.  and we lift our arms to let the sufferer into the inside of the circle, and we dance around them until they can hold their heads up, and they exit the circle, to let someone else inside.  i am happy to do this.  i will help anyone...friend, family, stranger...to find their way, so long as they are willing to put in the effort, too.


i can't change anyone that doesn't want to change.  i can't fix something that isn't wanting of being fixed.


while it pains me, there are times when i can't fix something.  this has always bothered me in the past.  i will worry and fret and overanalyze until i find a way to fix it, whatever it is.  it's caused me sleepless nights, arguments with Hubs, and me sliding aside other responsibilities so i can fix something that ultimately either can't be or doesn't want to be fixed.


i have learned to let some of that go.  and now THAT bothers me.  am i too quick to dismiss?


i think about this in terms of my faith, sometimes.  Hubs is still on the fence about God and his faith, and it's okay.  he is a work in progress, like we all are.  he's just at a different place in the path.  he has asked me on several occasions:


where was God when i needed Him?  where was God when this happened?  or that happened?  where was He?  if he is God, why couldn't He just fix it? 


that is true, to a point.  i get it.  we all think that, to a point, i think.  we all wonder the same things.  however, i have an answer that satisfies me.  i don't know if it makes sense.  i don't know if it's logical or right.


He was there.  He is there.


He is our shelter from the storm.  He is the glue holding us together on the inside while things spiral out of control outside.  He is there in the eyes of our children.  He knows the ultimate goal.  why did He allow this or that to happen?  because He knew the end results, years down the road.  He knew that you'd learn from this or that, and it would make you a better person.  He knew that if this happened, you'd make it to your job/your family/your friend.


on a personal note...


why did He take my mom when i was only 25 years old?  why did He take her before she saw me get married, have children, succeed in my career goals?  why?


He knew that it was right, and necessary.  He knew it would inspire me to be vigilant about making sure i let my children know the things that i was too self-absorbed to ask my mother.  He knew that that event would cement Hubs and i together, and teach me to lean on someone instead of being so darn self-sufficient all the time.  He knew that while i would question my faith, it would ultimately allow the holy spirit to move in my life, and for me to see that.


He's right there.


why did He allow Hubs to go through all the things he has in his life?


He knew that if even one of those things didn't happen, Hubs and i wouldn't be together.  He was there.  all the time.  planning and pushing for things to happen the way they are now.  He knew these beautiful children we would have.  and though it sucked in the process, He was there, sheltering from the storm, providing strength and guidance and fostering faith.  teaching Hubs to be a better father, a better spouse, a better friend than he could have been without those life experiences.  He knew.


why did He allow me to have such a blissful childhood while others suffered?


He knew that i would bring to the table of Hubs and my marriage a stable example of the ways that children and parents should relate to each other.  the ways we should play, and encourage, and discipline with love, without disrespect.  He knew that i could be a teacher for Hubs, as well as a student.  He knew that Hubs had many things to teach me about standing up for myself, and being forthright, and learning to be a partner.  and He knew that ultimately, we together would provide shelter from the storm for our children, for our family, for our friends.


He knew.  He was there all the time.  He still is.

a promise is a promise

marriage is hard. but it is the best gift i have ever received. marriage is a promise made, and should be a promise kept. the vows that are taken should not be taken lightly.

when it's hard and difficult, why do we keep going?

marriage is a promise made to your spouse. and it is a promise your spouse has made to you.

now, as i was sitting to write this, i was looking for a good quote about promises to include, something that would awe-inspiring and strike a cord....and you know what i found? there are a lot of quotes about breaking promises, but not many about keeping them. there is a plethora of quotes about how promises are foolish, but not much about reaping the benefit of a vow kept.

i wonder why that is. i wonder if promises are made hastily, without full consideration of their weight. i wonder if the consequences are so lightly considered that it's almost impossible to keep their sanctity.


i'm also wondering why promises made are so often what we will do for others.  why don't we make promises about ourselves?  


for example, in the wedding vows, there is mention of the things you will do for the other person.  you will honor them, forsake all others for them, you will love them through all of lives endeavors.  but why don't we promise that we'll love ourselves for them?


i keep thinking there will be a magic point in time when all of the sudden i'm completely comfortable with myself.  now, i have grown a lot, and there are a lot of things about myself that i've quit denying and have started accepting.  but there are still times, all too many, that i doubt myself, my abilities, my intelligence, my kindness toward others.  and this puts a strain on my relationship with others, especially with my husband.  


why, when we marry, don't we promise to the other person that we'll love ourselves, that we'll trust ourselves, that we'll believe in ourselves?  we promise to believe in them, why not ourselves?  when is enough finally enough?  when do we stop doubting, and where does that magically come from?  i don't remember my mom being insecure, but as i'm older, i'm finding that it was probably true.  why is that?  we marry, we have children, we have faith in God, and yet we falter when it comes to examining our inner thoughts and our intentions.  is it truly that there is something in us that makes us that way?  and why does it seem that everyone else has it so together?  believe me, i don't have it all together, and i don't have it all figured out.  i wish i did.  that'd make life so much easier.  


i know that deep down, i'm worthy of the gifts i have received from Him....all of them, including His grace, and yet, i doubt.  i wonder.  i ponder.  it's difficult to accept, i suppose that all of the good things that we receive are truly for us.  and yet it's so easy to accept the bad things when they happen....we blame ourselves.  we just figured it would happen that way anyway, because of some flaw about ourselves that we perceive.  


is there a magic time or turning point that we'll reach in which we finally lean back and say, okay, i'm really alright.  i'm not as bad as i thought.  does it come with age?  wisdom?  experience?  is it something that i can teach to my children to prevent them from second-guessing their every move?  i don't know.  but if someone has the answer, i'd be tickled to know the secret.


maybe it's just a promise that i should make to myself, to my husband, to my children, that i will begin to love myself the way i love them.  


a promise is a promise, after all.

babies and puppies

okay, so, our 6 month old lhasa apso is in heat.

i discovered this last night at about 10pm while trying to desperately finish charting from the day yesterday....a day that can only be described as swamped.  first day back from vacation, plus i have a nurse practitioner student that is here on mondays.  so it was a little busy yesterday.

luckily, i am blessed to have the best hubs in the whole world.  got home yesterday, and he made dinner, went to the gas station and got me a diet mtn dew (which, is one of my vices and was the thing i gave up for Lent), wrangled the kids...in short, was just amazing.

seriously.  and on a side note, he and i have been having some wonderfully deep and meaningful conversations as of late about how dedicated we remain to our marriage.  and how we both want to strive to be a better spouse and parent every day....better every day than the last.  and i have to say that it's so incredibly refreshing to know that i really do have a partner in crime, someone to back me up, someone that would bail me out of jail, or hold my hair if i puked, or laugh with me over silly things, and to watch our children grow and learn.

anyway.

so, i was charting and discovered, sort of accidentally, that our dog is in heat.  it's her first heat, and i've never had a dog in heat before, so i convinced myself that i'm the worst pet owner EVER because i kept meaning to call the vet to get her spayed and everything else was so much more important.  and now she's going to get breast cancer and DIE all because i waited a week to call the vet and she started her heat cycle.

however, my Sister reassured me, since she is a registered vet tech and all, that i'm not the worst pet parent ever, nor is she going to die of breast cancer just because the dog is having one heat cycle.  thank G-O-D for my sister and the way she puts up with my high-maintenance-ness.

mkay, so on the way to drop piper off for school this morning, i was trying to explain to her that maizie (the dog) would have to stay in her crate mostly for the next week or so because she'll be all messy, and we can't let her run around the yard for awhile because we don't want her to have puppies.

hmm.  i wondered how do i explain this to a five year old.  so i tried in my best, self-assured voice to explain that just like grown up women can have babies, maizie is now a grown up dog and can have puppies.  and we have to keep any daddy dogs away from her so she doesn't have puppies.  and even though puppies are fun, they are a lot of work just like dade was a lot of work when he was a baby.  

"but what if she only has one puppy?  that wouldn't be so much work!"

well, sweetheart, it doesn't really work that way.

"well, why is she so messy?"

well, because that's the way God made it.  girl dogs and women, if they don't have puppies or babies, have some bleeding from where the puppies/babies come out.  and it's okay, it doesn't mean they're sick or hurting.  

"okay."

...

and that was that.  

it amazes me the way that children can be so black and white sometimes.  it's not that they're being mean, or derogatory, or anything else....they just want to know "why."  and whatever the answer is, it just is.

there's no judgment, no condescension....it's just the way it is and that is that.  

i think we could learn alot from our kids if we'd approach things that way....stop over-analyzing everything and just accept.  ask why, find out why, search for the answer to why, and when it's found, accept.  if it's never found, be the one that finds it.  and accept.