"come in," she said, "i'll give you shelter from the storm."
it seems of late that there has been a lot of sadness surrounding us. in family, in friends, people are suffering....from illness, from poor decisions, from dramatic life events.
and my husband, bless his heart, is more a caring individual than he would ever have you believe. i'm not sure why he denies it so vehemently, but he really is a very kindhearted person. he cares for those around him, and he cares what they think. he cares if someone is hurting, and he wants to help. he truly will drop everything else to make sure that someone has what they need, and he does so to the best of his ability. it's part of why i love him so much.
and as of late, i feel almost like the four of us, Hubs, the kids, and me, are holding hands in a circle, and the events are spiraling around us. and we lift our arms to let the sufferer into the inside of the circle, and we dance around them until they can hold their heads up, and they exit the circle, to let someone else inside. i am happy to do this. i will help anyone...friend, family, stranger...to find their way, so long as they are willing to put in the effort, too.
i can't change anyone that doesn't want to change. i can't fix something that isn't wanting of being fixed.
while it pains me, there are times when i can't fix something. this has always bothered me in the past. i will worry and fret and overanalyze until i find a way to fix it, whatever it is. it's caused me sleepless nights, arguments with Hubs, and me sliding aside other responsibilities so i can fix something that ultimately either can't be or doesn't want to be fixed.
i have learned to let some of that go. and now THAT bothers me. am i too quick to dismiss?
i think about this in terms of my faith, sometimes. Hubs is still on the fence about God and his faith, and it's okay. he is a work in progress, like we all are. he's just at a different place in the path. he has asked me on several occasions:
where was God when i needed Him? where was God when this happened? or that happened? where was He? if he is God, why couldn't He just fix it?
that is true, to a point. i get it. we all think that, to a point, i think. we all wonder the same things. however, i have an answer that satisfies me. i don't know if it makes sense. i don't know if it's logical or right.
He was there. He is there.
He is our shelter from the storm. He is the glue holding us together on the inside while things spiral out of control outside. He is there in the eyes of our children. He knows the ultimate goal. why did He allow this or that to happen? because He knew the end results, years down the road. He knew that you'd learn from this or that, and it would make you a better person. He knew that if this happened, you'd make it to your job/your family/your friend.
on a personal note...
why did He take my mom when i was only 25 years old? why did He take her before she saw me get married, have children, succeed in my career goals? why?
He knew that it was right, and necessary. He knew it would inspire me to be vigilant about making sure i let my children know the things that i was too self-absorbed to ask my mother. He knew that that event would cement Hubs and i together, and teach me to lean on someone instead of being so darn self-sufficient all the time. He knew that while i would question my faith, it would ultimately allow the holy spirit to move in my life, and for me to see that.
He's right there.
why did He allow Hubs to go through all the things he has in his life?
He knew that if even one of those things didn't happen, Hubs and i wouldn't be together. He was there. all the time. planning and pushing for things to happen the way they are now. He knew these beautiful children we would have. and though it sucked in the process, He was there, sheltering from the storm, providing strength and guidance and fostering faith. teaching Hubs to be a better father, a better spouse, a better friend than he could have been without those life experiences. He knew.
why did He allow me to have such a blissful childhood while others suffered?
He knew that i would bring to the table of Hubs and my marriage a stable example of the ways that children and parents should relate to each other. the ways we should play, and encourage, and discipline with love, without disrespect. He knew that i could be a teacher for Hubs, as well as a student. He knew that Hubs had many things to teach me about standing up for myself, and being forthright, and learning to be a partner. and He knew that ultimately, we together would provide shelter from the storm for our children, for our family, for our friends.
He knew. He was there all the time. He still is.