birthdays and such

12/18/11 would have been my mom's 54th birthday.





and it was also piper's first christmas program.





okay, i love the way little kids perform at christmas programs. there are those positions that never change, even though the kids do.





there is always the kid that is SHOUTING the words to the song. usually, it's a boy. usually, he grows up to be the class clown.





there is always the shy little girl that has a beautiful voice, but is too quiet and scared to let it out. she usually ends up being the smartest kid in school.





there is always a group of kids that giggle the whole time. they usually end up being the "in" crowd.





and then there are the rest of the kids, that try to remember the motions, the words, the melody.





and they are all. so. damn. cute!!!!





piper did a great job.

dade man

in honor of my son's third birthday...some of my favorite pictures of him...

consider the lilies of the field

today, i was accepted and received as a new member of emanuel lutheran church. almost my entire family was there, including my husband, son, dad, step-mom, and mother-in-law.

i feel incredibly lucky that in all the sin i have done and endured, that God has not forsaken me, but instead has led me to this wonderful house of worship.

my faith has always been there. i didn't grow up in a church-going household. there wasn't a lack of faith, just a lack of scheduled church time. my parents chose not to have us baptized when we were babies, as they wanted us to choose what religion or faith we wanted to follow. but we were raised christian. christmas was the most important holiday, and there were always prayers with meals and bedtimes.

i chose to be baptized when i was 18. i was baptized in a nazarene church, and this was the church that i attended with my grandmother. we went, on most sundays, in grandma's car with the radio playing country music. it was a very small church...not even having enough room for a central aisle. there were perhaps twelve pews, and the majority of the members were older than my grandmother. but it was a cozy house to worship in, and i remember being impressed with the theatrics of it all.

when i was in college, i attended sherman oaks christian church. this was a church i became involved with through a lady i worked with while i was working as a work-study at the office of the registrar at IU. i really liked socc, but communion was sort of...unimportant. well, it was important, and i suspect it was logistical, but the communion was passed throughout the congregation, as was the wine. there wasn't a presentation at the altar. the congregation at any given service was close to 500 people, and there were three services every sunday. so i understand the logistics of that...but to me, communion is meant to be presented directly from the ordained person. that's just my view on it.

during medical school, and residency, i didn't attend church. i made the excuse that i couldn't find one that i liked, but truthfully, i didn't feel i had time. i was selfish. i thought that i had enough commitments that i didn't want to dedicate more of my time to being away from my home/family/studies/whatever. so i didn't go. this was during the time of my mother's illness, and jay and i's difficulties.

i became very angry with God. i still don't know if that's okay for me to have done, but i did. i wondered why he took my mother away from me. why did he do that? she was a good and decent person, and i DESERVED to have her here with me. again...selfish. completely! but why was i being stripped of the chance to have her see me get married, have children, graduate medical school, give my children horseback rides, make cookies with them, read them bedtime stories. why me?!? why her?!? why then?!?

i didn't want to go to church. i knew, at that time, as i do now, that i won't know the answers until i meet Him, which will come in His time. my tiny human brain is not advanced enough to understand His timing or His intentions, nor do i really sit in a position to ask those questions. but that was something that it took me a long time to come to.

a friend of mine was attending a contemporary service of emanuel. her name is danielle, and she was also the babysitter/child care provider for my kids after i had dade. by then i was halfway through residency. i still wasn't ready to go, for whatever excuse i made to myself.

eventually, though, i went. and the very first service, pastor stecker made reference to one of my dad's favorite verses in the bible...matthew 6:28..."consider the lilies of the field. they toil not, nor do they spin. yet even solomon in all his glory was not adorned such as they."

how could it have been planned more perfectly if not for the Holy Spirit moving me to that service, that day, at that time? how truly great is He?

i was hooked, completely. i arranged to meet with pastor stecker, talk with him about my questions, about my faith, about my spiritual life. i attended service as often as i could. i even went to midweek service, since this was during lent. i began to see that instead of questioning, maybe the things that i went through were meant to teach me something...about myself, my faith, my blessings. instead of counting the ways in which He failed me, i began to count the ways that i was failing Him, and how no matter how much i failed Him, He was still always there. like a parent loves their child without end, so He loved me. He never left me, and He had never forsaken me. and while my mother won't have the opportunity to hold my children in her arms on earth, she will when we meet again in His presence. what a truly awesome concept.

because of this, we send piper to central lutheran school, which is affiliated with emanuel. there, she gets not only a Christ-centered education, but she has a love and knowledge of God and Jesus that i am only beginning to understand as an adult. she understands the triune nature of God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit better than my adult and logical brain can wrap itself around. she knows the Lord's Prayer. she reminds me to pray at meals. it is amazing to see her flourish this way.

perhaps, this was all part of His plan. well, i know it is, but the "perhaps" comes from my feeble human mind. i truly hope that someday i can chat with Him about my journey to Him and with Him. and while i know that my faith and my spirituality is not right for everyone, nor would i push it on anyone, i know it is right for me. and i know that i am truly blessed to feel so at home in Him.

it's the most wonderful time of the year...

christmas has always been my favorite time of year...up until six years ago when mom passed away. however, finally, things are getting back to the way i remember feeling.

when i was little, there was a place "near" where we lived that decorated for christmas griswold-style. i was probably 6 or 7, and my mom, dad, sister, and i would pile in the car and go there...drive through and look at all the lights. i remember it being almost magical. dad would put on christmas music on the radio in the blazer, turn the heater up full blast, and roll down the windows so we could see the lights. it seemed to me, at that time, that there were sooooo many lights! the place seemed to glow with christmas spirit and magic.

i haven't felt that stirring of christmas spirit in the last few years. last year, it was better. i set out to make as many christmas cookies as possible. piper helped, and it truly was a lot of fun.

i want our family to have tradition like we had when i was growing up. every thanksgiving, we put up the christmas tree after our post-turkey naps. dad's "hero" was clark griswold, and every year he set out to outdo himself on the exterior illumination. on christmas eve, we'd all sit on the couch, in our jammies and slippers, and read the christmas story from the bible. the bible we had used to be my grandma's...my dad's mom...and it was weathered, and beaten, and loved, and used. that's what i loved about that bible. we'd put out cookies for santa and carrots for the reindeer. and we'd go to bed.

and inevitably, we'd be awake at 1am, excited to open presents. and my parents never fussed. we'd slept only two hours...sometimes mom and dad hadn't even fallen asleep yet! but never did they fuss, never did they make us go back to bed without opening presents. and no matter how many presents were under the tree, i always remember feeling grateful.

we didn't grow up with lots of money...dad worked in a factory for as long as i can remember, and for a long time, mom stayed home. it was cheaper to stay home than to work and pay for day care. i remember times when dad would get laid off and have to collect unemployment. i remember once mom got a job at kmart as a cashier while dad was laid off. i remember him working construction on parkview hospital when he was laid off. but christmas was always magical, even if it was just socks and underwear and one toy. it was special.

this year, my sister and her husband came over, and we decorated the tree. with christmas carols in the background. with the dog running under our feet. with the kids laughing and squealing. and it was magical again. and i felt bittersweet, wishing mom could be there, but feeling so blessed at the same time because i can share this with my kids and she shared with us. and knowing that God is there, amidst our laughter, probably smiling with us.

last night, we took the kids to the fantasy of lights, which is a 1.5 mile long trail through a park and there are 75 displays of lights. and we piled into our car, kids in jammies and slippers and under blankets, heat on full blast, christmas music in the background, chicken nuggets and fries in fists, windows down...and i was again immersed in christmas magic.

i am so blessed.

if i was a superhero...

if i was a superhero, i'd like to think i'd be on the side of good...fighting evil, fighting for the underdog. and in the movies, good always prevails over evil.

lately, though, i have felt the darkness creeping inside of me like it did before i got on the medicine. i don't have anything to feel dark about, other than the ache for my mom. but that's not enough to sway me from the side of good.

if i had a superpower, it would be superfaith. i have faith, but it seems that i need stronger faith. actually, i think i lack grace more than faith. so instead i would have supergrace.

maybe my superhero name would be Grace.

sleep deprivation

sleep deprivation is awful.

don't get me wrong. when piper and dade were very small, i used to loathe being sleep deprived. but there was something special about being the one that sat with them, in the dark, in the quiet of the night, humming songs or smoothing their hair. i didn't mind that sleep deprivation too much, because, in the end, there was a contentedness there.

sleep deprivation without the feeling of comfort is not the same. i have a hard time sleeping because my mind wants to constantly think of things to keep me awake.

the toll of sleep deprivation is a weird sort-of semi-conscious state. it's where i'm sitting right now. people pay money for this kind of feeling.

on mornings such as this morning, where dade didn't sleep all night for longer than 15 minutes in a stretch, i actually fantasize about going to bed early. is that weird? i think to myself..."i'm sooo going to bed at 8pm tonight!"

and then the day rushes by, and so does the evening, and suddenly it's 653pm, right now, and there are a million things left to do.

my favorite robert frost poem says..."and miles to go before i sleep." sleep will have to wait. the deprivation is replaced right now with a different kind of comfort, the shouts of excitement and peals of laughter coming from my children playing in the living room.

God always finds a way to comfort us, even if it's just a comfort from lack of sleep. ah, well, maybe bedtime won't be 8pm tonight. whenever it is, i'll fall asleep with the man i love and say my prayers that i have what i have.

no regrets

these are why i have no regrets.

these are how i know God exists, and moves in my life.