Monday, December 5, 2011

sleep deprivation

sleep deprivation is awful.

don't get me wrong. when piper and dade were very small, i used to loathe being sleep deprived. but there was something special about being the one that sat with them, in the dark, in the quiet of the night, humming songs or smoothing their hair. i didn't mind that sleep deprivation too much, because, in the end, there was a contentedness there.

sleep deprivation without the feeling of comfort is not the same. i have a hard time sleeping because my mind wants to constantly think of things to keep me awake.

the toll of sleep deprivation is a weird sort-of semi-conscious state. it's where i'm sitting right now. people pay money for this kind of feeling.

on mornings such as this morning, where dade didn't sleep all night for longer than 15 minutes in a stretch, i actually fantasize about going to bed early. is that weird? i think to myself..."i'm sooo going to bed at 8pm tonight!"

and then the day rushes by, and so does the evening, and suddenly it's 653pm, right now, and there are a million things left to do.

my favorite robert frost poem says..."and miles to go before i sleep." sleep will have to wait. the deprivation is replaced right now with a different kind of comfort, the shouts of excitement and peals of laughter coming from my children playing in the living room.

God always finds a way to comfort us, even if it's just a comfort from lack of sleep. ah, well, maybe bedtime won't be 8pm tonight. whenever it is, i'll fall asleep with the man i love and say my prayers that i have what i have.

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