Saturday, December 3, 2011

my daughter

my daughter is five years old. five is better, and harder, than four. i find that with every birthday she has, it gets easier, and more difficult.

the story behind piper is...well, complicated. by far she is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

piper is not my biological daughter. having said that, i can't imagine my life without her. she was conceived at a very pivotal point in my life, a point in which, to be truthful, i felt sort of hopeless. my mom had been diagnosed with a terminal illness, i was in medical school, i lived away from home, my sister was 3000 miles away in hawaii. and i went through this huge thing with jay that just...sucked. however, piper came, and when she was born, she looked a lot like jay. there was a small question whether she was his, just in the timing of all of this, but when she was born, i knew.

mom passed away three days after christmas before piper was born.

i was in medical school, like i said. i abused my privilege as a medical student to get into the NICU, where she had to stay for the first few days of her life. she was born at 41 weeks and weighed only five pounds. her mother hadn't taken very good care of herself during her pregnancy, and piper had such a tiny cry...there was worry that she was born with a chromosomal disorder or something. so i wore my short white coat and presented my ID badge as i walked into the NICU with jay. i looked her over, and i picked her up. i held her and i immediately handed her to jay, and it was an overwhelming sight to see. she was his, i just knew.

as it turns out, she was his. the paternity test said so, although that was only needed for legal reasons, because she looked a lot like him. she also was fortunate enough to have normal blood work, despite our worries. and thank God. and i wonder sometimes if my mom had something to do with all of that, and all of this.

and despite the way that she was conceived, but because of the therapy i was going through, jay and i went through with our wedding plans.

during the first few months, we only got to have piper once or twice a month. this continued on until we moved from indianapolis to fort wayne. some stuff went on with piper's bio mother, and we sued for custody in february 2008. we found out we were pregnant with dade in march.

our custody hearing was in april, and we were granted full custody (with her bio mom having visitation every other weekend). how great is God!

the most important things about all of this are:
piper has always known she has two mommies and two daddies and that we all love her.
she has always called me "mommy."
the love i have for her outweighs and outshadows the circumstances of her conception and birth. i didn't believe that would ever happen...believing that they would always be equal. but the more i love her, the more it doesn't matter where she came from. it doesn't matter that she doesn't carry my chromosomes. (maybe she won't get my foot structure then!) i am still medicated, but not self-medicated, and not with medication that helps feelings of hopelessness. i know that i am truly blessed, and i can see it now.

i still don't know how we will explain her conception to her when the time comes. right now, she understands that she was born from her bio mom. she understands that she lives here. but i don't know what we'll do when it becomes more than that.

piper, six months old

piper, 1 year old

piper, 2 years old

piper, 3 years old

piper, 4 years old

piper, 5 years old

1 comment:

  1. There is something truly special about a baby that is born after a love one has passed. I was 2 weeks pregnant with Cole when my dad passed. Even though I was only 19 and unwed, and my mom kicked me out because I was pregnant, I always felt like he was a gift from God. Circumstance doesn’t really matter in the end, just the love you have for them and the love you get in return. It makes it hurt a little less.