Thursday, February 9, 2012

but to me, baby you are the world

anytime i am going through a hard time, it's easy for me to lose sight of reality. shock, right? it's so easy to become so wrapped up in the here-and-now, everything-is-falling-apart that i lose track of the everything-is-okay look-how-good-you've-got-it.

it's almost easy to feel insignificant. self-centered. self-pitying. self-loathing. and guilt comes in. guilt about things not done. guilt about things done poorly. guilt about things turning out badly. miss what-if starts whispering in my ear. miss what-if sounds a lot like my own voice, but she disguises herself to sound like Hubs, like my mom, like my kids. miss what-if drives me crazy. she drives me to insanity. she pops in and starts bugging me when i try to go to sleep. she usually leaves me alone at work. and she usually leaves me alone when i cross-stitch, which is the hobby i have adopted to keep my hands and mind busy during down time. her favorite time to bother me is when i'm driving. if i'm not quick, and i don't rush to turn the radio on as soon as i turn the car on, there she is. like a bad penny (or herpes)...she just keeps coming around.

however, what i'm starting to see is that i am her entire world. without me, she'd have nothing to do. and like those ven diagrams (you know, the ones with the circles that intersect..."liars" on one side, "lawyers" on the other, and the area where they intersect says "politicians"), for too long have i allowed miss what-if and myself to be overlapped. or, too far overlapped. i realize that at no point in time will i ever shut her up, but it would be nice if she had a mute button.

in the past, whenever i've made it through a particularly hard's passing, jay and i going through piper's birth, dad's previous marriage, my sister's previous marriage...people have talked to me and told me how amazed they are by my strength, by the difficult decisions i've had to make, by my ambition to go to medical school and get through residency. when i look back, i don't see it as all that amazing. perhaps because all along, i have known i wasn't doing it alone. i've always had my family to support me, but humanly, sometimes they've been at the root of the trouble. truly, i've always had God there to guide me. to carry me. to hold me. to push me. to numb me. to cleanse me. i was His whole world.
when someone close to me has trouble, or is going through a bad time, i do my very best to make them my world. that's not always possible to the extent that i'd like it to be, but miss what-if comes back to haunt me sometimes about that. i do this even when they're going through a good time, like getting married. they become my whole world, even if just for a little while. i chalk this up to wanting to be a fabulous wife/parent/sister/daughter. sometimes, it makes me a little crazy and takes over my thinking.
however, i sort of think this is what God would want me to do. because i know that i am His whole world. i know, because the Good Book says so, that even if i was the only person on earth, He would still create all these beautiful things...just for me. the skies, the clouds, the rainbows, sephora.
we all deserve to be someone else's world. and everyone is. instead of job titles, we should all have name tags that say it..."jay's wife. piper's mother. dade's mother. bob's daughter. stephanie's sister." and in bold, they should ALL say "God's Child." because each of us is His world.

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