losing what i don't deserve

disclaimer: as i was riding in the car today with jay, this song spoke to me. it's by linkin park, titled "burning of the skies," i can't take any credit for the words in bold.

music has always been an escape for me. now, i'm not terribly knowledgable about music, i don't necessarily listen to what is popular. i'm not constantly on the look out for new indie artists. but if i find an artist i like, i typically find a way to mold their music and make it mean something to me. maybe this is what everyone does. maybe i read too much into it. maybe it's my way of struggling to find a common meeting ground between what i'm going through and what others have been through. all i know is that it keeps me from running away from things screaming, or beating my head against the wall. sometimes it makes me laugh, sometimes it makes me cry. sometimes i yell the words, sometimes i just listen. depends on what is going on.

I used the deadwood to make the fire rise
The blood of innocence burning in the skies
I filled my cup with the rising of the sea
And poured it out in an ocean of debris

we all have our demons. all of us. we all have things that have a grip on us, and we all struggle to pry those tight fingers off our arms to rid ourselves of those monsters. we all have secrets, and we all believe that our secrets are the most terrible. even those of us that are extremely open still have a few thoughts in our heads that we don't share with anyone. and no matter how ashamed we are of our own actions or thoughts, there is always someone out there that has done or said worse. i realize that. and whether we know it or not, all of our actions, public or secret, have consequences on those around us. they shape us into the person that we are, and the person we are perceived to be.

Oh I'm swimming in the smoke of bridges I have burned
So don't apologize...I'm losing what I don't deserve
What I don't deserve

there are times, though, that ties have to be cut, that wrongs have to be righted. no matter how difficult, no matter the immediate consequence, there are times when we have to pour salt in the wound in order to get it to heal. there are things we all go through that we don't feel we deserve, things that others do to us that we don't feel are right. there are times when we feel wronged, and we can't see the big picture.

We held our breath when the clouds began to form
But you were lost in the beating of the storm
And in the end we were made to be apart
Like separate chambers of the human heart

there are times in all of our lives when we have to make a decision, where we have to pull ourselves together and get to the bottom of the problem. there are times when we have to swallow our pride and ask for help. there are times when we have to figuratively smack each other in the face and offer a hand to hold so that others can get themselves straight. and those choices may not be understood by other people. but we have to trust that there is a greater plan, there is a forest in spite of the trees. and there are times, sometimes, that we have to cut our losses and expect that we will ruin people's expectations of us. those are the times that i pray for insight. i pray for guidance. and those are the times, that people pray to lose whatever it is they don't deserve.

I'm swimming in the smoke of bridges I have burned
So don't apologize...I'm losing what I don't deserve
What I don't deserve

i've been in this situation before. i've been in worse. i've always come through. the only reason, i think, is my faith in God. i know that He gets me through anything that comes my way. at times, i pray to hear His voice, to have his literal guidance on what to do. i trust that He will see me through. that i'll lose what i don't deserve. that in reality, it won't be a loss, but a huge relief. He puts people in my life that i can lean on, that i can rely on. He made me in such a way that i'm tougher than i look. He gave me a tongue that can be sharp, and that i have to control. He gave me a heart and a way of thinking that means i can conquer any demon or monster in my path. and there is strength in numbers. i know that with my husband and my children, the four of us are like The Incredibles. there isn't anything we can't do together!