i will not keep quiet

i am really really fortunate to have a church i love. i mean, really fortunate. i feel like i've spent my entire life just waiting to get to this church, and to this point in my life.

piper and i go to the evening service lots of times. it's still the divine service, which i love, because i crave the ceremony of it all. the bells, the organ, communion on the altar, meeting in the narthex before and after service. i love it. and we sit in the closest pew to the altar that we can, because not only do i feel more engaged, i think piper is more engaged as well. piper and dade alternate weekends because i just don't think i'm up for taking two kids to divine service where you have to be quiet for more than 15 minutes without some kind of noise-making toy.

on the way to church last night, we were looking at the sky. i was telling her what my dad used to tell me...that even if she were the only person on earth, God would still make an amazingly beautiful sunset, just for her, because He loves her so much. and then, being the analytical 5 year old that she is, she proceeded to ask how she would have money if she was the only person on the planet. um, because God would give you some?

last night's service was a study on two verses from Isaiah. it was amazing, and the thing that i love most about our church is that no matter which of the three pastors is preaching, the message always rings true to something that i have going on in my life at the current time. it always makes me think.

"For Zion's sake, I will not keep silent, for Jerusalem's sake I will not keep quiet, till her vindication shines out like the dawn, her salvation like a blazing torch." --Isaiah 62:1

"For a long time, I have kept silent, I have been quiet and held myself back. But now, like a woman in childbirth, I cry out. I gasp and pant." --Isaiah 42:14

pastor was talking about the way that we as people are more content to connect over small talk than to really discuss the guts of our lives...our faith, our beliefs, and that if we really would just speak to one another about the good news and the miracles that He has worked in our lives, it would be not only easier to find camaraderie amongst each other, but it would not feel so difficult to believe.

the things that occurred in my life during college, medical school, and the first part of residency scared the absolute optimist in me. i was an eternal optimist before all of that. i allowed that part of me to be hidden, shadowed, left in secret and shame, because of the ways that i felt. grief for things lost. guilt for things said/done or not said/not done. and an overwhelming responsibility that somehow, someway all of this was my fault. didn't matter what it was...it was my fault. i'm sorry became the most common words to come from my mouth. most times, i didn't even know what it was i was apologizing for.

and then i go to church. and i realize that in the time that i've spent in church, i have not only become happier, but i have been able to find that old part of myself that feels optimistic. how can i not be optimistic when i look at things from the other side? sure, maybe i lost my mom on earth, but she's already waiting for me in heaven! of course, jay and i had our hard times, but i know darn sure that our relationship is stronger now than it ever would have been had we not gone through what we did. He knew this all!

and while there are times that i miss things from years ago...more fun, less work, etc...i wouldn't trade a single second of my life now for an hour of things back then. i'm happy in my faith. i'm happy and relieved and reliquishing all the responsibility. because the truth is that while i have free will to make decisions, i can't take the ultimate responsibility because it's not my role. my role is to do the best with what i have and to make the best of what i've been given, and to take my energy and put it into something great...my family, my faith. i'm becoming an optimist again. it's awfully tough to be a pessimist when i'm surrounded by daily examples of God's grace. the truth is, these things i've been blessed with bring me so much more happiness than i ever thought was possible in my religiousless life of debauchery.

the relief of not having all the responsibility doesn't make me any less vigilant about my decisions. in fact, it makes me want to shout at the top of my lungs how wonderful it is to know God's love, to know that i've got someone behind me, cheering for me, rooting for me, picking me up when i fall, carrying me when i can't walk, and dancing beside me when i succeed.

and i won't keep quiet. i did that for too long. i will talk about this, i will share this with my children, my family. i want them to know the joy that i feel.

like i've got someone on my side, saying, "relax, bec, i got this."