babies and puppies

okay, so, our 6 month old lhasa apso is in heat.

i discovered this last night at about 10pm while trying to desperately finish charting from the day yesterday....a day that can only be described as swamped.  first day back from vacation, plus i have a nurse practitioner student that is here on mondays.  so it was a little busy yesterday.

luckily, i am blessed to have the best hubs in the whole world.  got home yesterday, and he made dinner, went to the gas station and got me a diet mtn dew (which, is one of my vices and was the thing i gave up for Lent), wrangled the kids...in short, was just amazing.

seriously.  and on a side note, he and i have been having some wonderfully deep and meaningful conversations as of late about how dedicated we remain to our marriage.  and how we both want to strive to be a better spouse and parent every day....better every day than the last.  and i have to say that it's so incredibly refreshing to know that i really do have a partner in crime, someone to back me up, someone that would bail me out of jail, or hold my hair if i puked, or laugh with me over silly things, and to watch our children grow and learn.

anyway.

so, i was charting and discovered, sort of accidentally, that our dog is in heat.  it's her first heat, and i've never had a dog in heat before, so i convinced myself that i'm the worst pet owner EVER because i kept meaning to call the vet to get her spayed and everything else was so much more important.  and now she's going to get breast cancer and DIE all because i waited a week to call the vet and she started her heat cycle.

however, my Sister reassured me, since she is a registered vet tech and all, that i'm not the worst pet parent ever, nor is she going to die of breast cancer just because the dog is having one heat cycle.  thank G-O-D for my sister and the way she puts up with my high-maintenance-ness.

mkay, so on the way to drop piper off for school this morning, i was trying to explain to her that maizie (the dog) would have to stay in her crate mostly for the next week or so because she'll be all messy, and we can't let her run around the yard for awhile because we don't want her to have puppies.

hmm.  i wondered how do i explain this to a five year old.  so i tried in my best, self-assured voice to explain that just like grown up women can have babies, maizie is now a grown up dog and can have puppies.  and we have to keep any daddy dogs away from her so she doesn't have puppies.  and even though puppies are fun, they are a lot of work just like dade was a lot of work when he was a baby.  

"but what if she only has one puppy?  that wouldn't be so much work!"

well, sweetheart, it doesn't really work that way.

"well, why is she so messy?"

well, because that's the way God made it.  girl dogs and women, if they don't have puppies or babies, have some bleeding from where the puppies/babies come out.  and it's okay, it doesn't mean they're sick or hurting.  

"okay."

...

and that was that.  

it amazes me the way that children can be so black and white sometimes.  it's not that they're being mean, or derogatory, or anything else....they just want to know "why."  and whatever the answer is, it just is.

there's no judgment, no condescension....it's just the way it is and that is that.  

i think we could learn alot from our kids if we'd approach things that way....stop over-analyzing everything and just accept.  ask why, find out why, search for the answer to why, and when it's found, accept.  if it's never found, be the one that finds it.  and accept.

early morning insights on the way to school

i have decided that my daughter's favorite words are "guess what."


maybe this is typical for a five year old girl.  or a five year old boy, for that matter.  but as much as getting ready and getting out the door in the morning stresses me out, i find it an honor to be able to take my daughter to school every morning, without fail, on my way to work.


today is the last day before spring break.  it is also the last school day before easter, and since piper goes to a lutheran school, this is kind of a big deal.  


the minute i walked in the door last night, piper had to tell me all about the happenings for today.


in typical quick-talking kindergartener style...."himommy GUESS WHAT?!?"


she proceeded to tell me that the easter bunny MIGHT hide some things in their classroom after lunch.  and that today was the day for the kindergarten store, and could we PLEASE get in her piggy bank to get money for the store PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE?!?


all within 26 seconds of me getting out of the car.

piper is not a morning person.  well, scratch that.  she's not a morning person on school mornings.  on weekends, that kid is up at like 7am, but she is five, and very respectful of the fact that the rest of us want to sleep later.  she doesn't get into things she's not supposed to, just goes down into the play room and watches tv.  she even turns it down so as not to wake up the rest of us. 

but on school mornings, it's like pulling teeth to get her ready on time.  for whatever reason, she was all bouncy this morning.  she was ready in record time.  and as she sat at the counter, eating her donuts, talking with her mouth full, i seriously don't think she took time to even take a breath.  she talked the entire.way.to.school this morning.

and as we went to school, i sat up front, driving and laughing.

"mommy, guess what!  did you know that drake doesn't believe that only grown ups can see the easter bunny?"

"mommy, guess what!  miss james said that after lunch the easter bunny MIGHT hide eggs in our classroom!"

"mommy, guess what!  i bet there is a mrs. easter bunny that helps mr. easter bunny take all the eggs and candy to the kids.  because, you know, that's a lot of work.  he has to go all over the world.  even to florida!"

"mommy, did you know that we're learning about skunks?  we came back from lunch yesterday and the room smelled all stinky like a skunk!  and guess what!  we read a book about a skunk that was helping the easter bunny, and he was getting so excited that he kept spraying!  and the easter bunny had to wear a paper clip on his nose so he could make the eggs!  mommy, guess what!  did you know skunks are black and white?  not like raccoons, but kind of!"

guess what!  as funny as she is, i love that my daughter finds excitement out of life.

little brown bear

when we were little, my mom used to call us her little brown bears. my sister, moreso, because she has this really great olive skin complexion, and she can walk outside for about ten minutes and be tan. but we had a small above-ground pool growing up, and Sis and i would spend hours in that thing. i'll probably have skin cancer some day, but i wouldn't trade those memories for anything.

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brown bear mothers are extraordinarily fierce in defending their cubs. their aggression borders on that of male brown bears. and they tend to become socially isolated from other bears once they give birth to cubs. their entire focus is on the well-being of their cubs.

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my mom was a lot like this in many ways. while she never really stepped in and told us who to be friends with, etc., she was always the first to come to our rescue if something happened that was unjust.

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she was like a mama brown bear.

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piper recently has been having issues at school. she has been behaving rudely, and has been acting out in many ways. why she is doing this, i'm not sure. she doesn't have those behaviors demonstrated to her at our house, but as i've said before, she has a biologic mother that is not me. and she tells me that she sees those types of behaviors at her other mother's house. she says that she learns it from her brothers.

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so...

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it's really really really hard for me to hear criticism about my kid. is that normal? i don't know. i almost take it personally, like people will think i'm this horrible mother. it's difficult because i feel like all that i am is reflected in how my child behaves.

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maybe because i strive on a daily basis for my mother to be reflected in my actions. my mom was the coolest mother, like, ever. i mean, i know everyone says that about their mom, but i really mean it. she was such a good mother. and i want every day for her to be proud of the mother/wife/daughter that i've grown to be.

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and i want piper to be more than she could have been with her biologic mother. that sounds horribly selfish. i know. but my heart is, i think, in the right place. the way i've justified this in my head is that maybe all this happened for a reason...perhaps she was put in my life because my purpose is to elevate her to a higher level (whatever that means) than she could have achieved under anyone else's care. maybe i'm meant to be a good role model for her.  maybe she needed a mama bear?  maybe that mama bear is supposed to be me?

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which is part of why i take it so personal when i know she's not behaving the way i wish she would.

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i know i'm probably looking at this all wrong. maybe it's all meant to teach me something. maybe it's meant to teach me to take criticism and run with it, rather than getting my hackles up. and i accept that. but the mama bear in me wants to defend and be aggressive and shelter her.

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and this doesn't mean that i'm not taking steps to make things right, and have her behave properly.

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and this doesn't mean that she's not allowed to be a kid. to be an average, play-in-the-mud, wear-pretty-dresses, run-around-in-her-underwear-after-bath kid. she does all of that.  and she makes me laugh and brings such joy to my life when she does.

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and that's part of what i absolutely love about my little brown bear. she is considerate and lovable, and she is intelligent and kind-hearted.

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i just want her to be the best little brown bear she can be. i want her to play and growl and run and jump and snuggle.

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to the rescue!

i jokingly put on my facebook the other day that i felt like wonder woman, very pleased with all the tasks that i accomplished. but i ended asking if wonder woman ever felt as exhausted as i felt.

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mkay. things have been difficult for all of us since jay has been under the weather. first it was his neck, and now he is plagued by daily migraines that begin as soon as he wakes up. and there is no reprieve. and no matter the interventions that have been tried, both by myself and by his family doctor, nothing has resulted in any resolution. there have been brief moments of improvement, but nothing to relieve it completely.

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he sees a neurologist in two days, so we'll see how it goes.

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it's been difficult for me to pick up the extra work. i can't lie about that. it's been difficult to be a full-time working physician, and come home and be a full-time mother. but moreso, it's been difficult for jay to feel like he hasn't been contributing as much as he would like. so, let's just say that things have been stressful around the palmer household. however, we've remained strong and communicated well, and we've been able to tackle this together....with him working on feeling better, and me trying to give my all to make all things easier for him.

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i was previously feeling a little bitter about things. however, at least over the last week, i've looked at it more as a challenge. how many things can i do in one day? oh yeah? well, i bet i can do more tomorrow! and it's become that much more gratifying. in the last 72 hours, i've worked a full work day, delivered a baby, rounded at the hospital twice, been on call for all 26 physicians, worked at our after-hours clinic seeing 21 patients in three hours, cleaned the house, shampooed the carpets, done laundry, and completed 40 hours-worth of continuing medical education. and i went to the grocery (that place that i loathe so) and made dinner. plus i've been fortunate enough to catch two naps, sleep well through the night, snuggle with my dade-monster, and watch the IU/kentucky game.

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i feel like wonder woman. but instead of feeling exhausted like i did the other day, i feel renewed. rejuvenated. accomplished. and ready to face another challenge. and i feel extremely fortunate that i have such blessings in my husband, family, and friends, and that i've been given the opportunity to have these many irons in the fire. i know that God would not present me with all these challenges (which, i realize, are just every day tasks) if He didn't believe i could pull through. it's a chance to show my worth...to my husband, my children, my family, and God.

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i wonder what extra i can do tomorrow....maybe leap tall buildings in a single bound?

grams's kitchen

my grandmother, or grams as i have always called her, owned her own restaurant in monroeville, indiana, long before i was born. grams was, and is to this day, the best cook i know. mom and aunt linda used to tell us stories of grams getting up at 4am to make pies for the day...and she'd bake up to ten pies before going over and opening the restaurant.

grams had like a million brothers and sisters. and she left home at age 16. she married grandpa, who was 16 years her senior, and was a milk man. he delivered for parts of ohio and northern indiana. later, he bought/owned/ran a car dealership in monroeville. they had two girls, linda (my aunt), and nila (my mom). and grams had the restaurant...or "rest'rint"...as she pronounces it.

so here's the thing....grams makes all these wonderful dishes and desserts and things....and everytime we see her, she cooks. her purpose in life is to feed people. and she feeds people with her kind heart and soft spirit, too. but do you think i have any of her recipes? no...because she never writes anything down! grams turned 80 this last december, and she can still make her zuccini bread from scratch, by heart, just by sight. she just knows. she's like that with lots of things. she just knows.

grams's kitchen was a place where we could always find snacks....there were always grapes and cottage cheese in the fridge and pringles in the cabinet. we stayed overnight at her house more times than i can remember, and the kitchen was where we'd hear her, clanging around, at 730 in the morning. i secretly believe she was clanging around so we'd wake up and she'd have company, but she'd always pretend to be drinking coffee and reading the paper when we'd arise from bed. her kitchen is where we played umpteen million games of uno, thirty-one, and skip-bo. it was where we'd sit and watch wheel of fortune after dinners, and it was the perfect piece to a summer afternoon for slurping popsicles after walking the log on the edge of her lawn. grams kitchen served for the meeting grounds for so many family get-togethers, and it was the resting place of an old formica-topped desk from the old car dealership that still hinted of grease and new-car scent. many times did i sit at that desk and do homework, while grams put together a lunch for us of her lumpy mashed potatoes and country fried steak. and it was where, on a summer morning, sitting in worn jammies, we ate mickey-mouse pancakes and listened to the bustle at the next-door post office.

grams's kitchen holds so many of my childhood memories. i hope that my children will have similar memories someday of something as warm as mine.

hedgehog-ish

when i was forming this post in my mind, it was originally for the intention of griping. i know, you're shocked, right? however, the more i think about it, and the more the words started putting themselves together in my mind, it's actually not so much a gripe as it is a window to my inner self.

brace yourself.

okay. i fancy myself a hedgehog. they're little, they're cute, they have a built in defense mechanism. however, i decided to do some digging about hedgehogs to see if i really wanted to see myself as such.

turns out, they're not aggressive, they're fairly low maintenance, and they have all these great traits in order to make themselves adapt. how great is that? all of the things that i wish i had more of myself.

this whole post, like i said, started as a gripe. i gripe against someone i know. a gripe against someone that is saying incredibly slanderous things about me, about my ethics, about my husband, without actually knowing what the truth is behind everything. and this person is hiding behind this farce in order to make themselves look better in light of some very poor decisions this person made. and this person is trying to tell me how to live my life.

when people try to tell me how i am going to do things, as though the decision has already been made, i get a little prickly. a little hedgehog-ish. i try to run at first, and just get to cover so i have time to think, but eventually my spines come out.

i have never responded well to people trying to tell me what to do. especially since i've been an adult. my husband likes to take credit for that, and maybe he should, because there was a time when i was fairly docile. but the only way that i've gotten where i am was by laughing in the face of "you can't, you won't." and by the grace of God, of course. but i fully believe that God presents us with situations that we then have to choose. like a choose-your-own-adventure book....the paths are there, and it's up to us which way we go. and someone telling me "you can't, you won't" is like an open invitation for me to actually "can, will."

this is all fine and good, until someone decides to tell awful horrid things about me to people i care about. and the difficulty lies in the web of entanglement that encompasses emotion and welfare and whatnot. so the issue is then turned into, "i can, i would, but should i?" should i put my spines out and defend myself, or should i run for cover?

i am

i am blessed.

there are so many things in the life that i am blessed to have. there are so many things that i've gone through, just like anyone else has. and there are so many blessings that i reap the benefit of...my children, my husband, my family, my friends, my career.

i am liberated.

i have had the opportunities in my life to do what i wanted to do. and make it happen. and not to settle for less because of anything, whether it's my gender, my background, my socioeconomic status, etc.

i am independent.

i can drywall, mud, change my own oil (though, who really wants to get that dirty?), change a tire, cook, clean, fix people's ailments, listen, inspire, and amaze.

i am insecure.

i worry that my actions are not enough, sometimes. i worry that i'm not pretty enough or smart enough, or that i don't do enough to help others.

i am self-assured.

i am a valuable person.

i am ambitious.

i have never let anything stop me or get in my way. i've figured out ways to move around or over or through obstacles.

i am audacious.

i have said and done things that are probably wrong, but always with my heart in the right place. i've pissed people off, made them proud, made them cringe, made them smile, made them cry, and made them happy. i encourage and support, and i get judgmental sometimes (though, i know i shouldn't).

i am a child of God.

my dreams are His dreams, as they were put there by Him. my fears are fears of not living up to His expectations of me, and knowing that i can't earn my way into Heaven. my kindness and compassion and forthrightness and gentleness and loud laughter are in me through Him.