little brown bear

when we were little, my mom used to call us her little brown bears. my sister, moreso, because she has this really great olive skin complexion, and she can walk outside for about ten minutes and be tan. but we had a small above-ground pool growing up, and Sis and i would spend hours in that thing. i'll probably have skin cancer some day, but i wouldn't trade those memories for anything.

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brown bear mothers are extraordinarily fierce in defending their cubs. their aggression borders on that of male brown bears. and they tend to become socially isolated from other bears once they give birth to cubs. their entire focus is on the well-being of their cubs.

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my mom was a lot like this in many ways. while she never really stepped in and told us who to be friends with, etc., she was always the first to come to our rescue if something happened that was unjust.

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she was like a mama brown bear.

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piper recently has been having issues at school. she has been behaving rudely, and has been acting out in many ways. why she is doing this, i'm not sure. she doesn't have those behaviors demonstrated to her at our house, but as i've said before, she has a biologic mother that is not me. and she tells me that she sees those types of behaviors at her other mother's house. she says that she learns it from her brothers.

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so...

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it's really really really hard for me to hear criticism about my kid. is that normal? i don't know. i almost take it personally, like people will think i'm this horrible mother. it's difficult because i feel like all that i am is reflected in how my child behaves.

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maybe because i strive on a daily basis for my mother to be reflected in my actions. my mom was the coolest mother, like, ever. i mean, i know everyone says that about their mom, but i really mean it. she was such a good mother. and i want every day for her to be proud of the mother/wife/daughter that i've grown to be.

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and i want piper to be more than she could have been with her biologic mother. that sounds horribly selfish. i know. but my heart is, i think, in the right place. the way i've justified this in my head is that maybe all this happened for a reason...perhaps she was put in my life because my purpose is to elevate her to a higher level (whatever that means) than she could have achieved under anyone else's care. maybe i'm meant to be a good role model for her.  maybe she needed a mama bear?  maybe that mama bear is supposed to be me?

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which is part of why i take it so personal when i know she's not behaving the way i wish she would.

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i know i'm probably looking at this all wrong. maybe it's all meant to teach me something. maybe it's meant to teach me to take criticism and run with it, rather than getting my hackles up. and i accept that. but the mama bear in me wants to defend and be aggressive and shelter her.

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and this doesn't mean that i'm not taking steps to make things right, and have her behave properly.

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and this doesn't mean that she's not allowed to be a kid. to be an average, play-in-the-mud, wear-pretty-dresses, run-around-in-her-underwear-after-bath kid. she does all of that.  and she makes me laugh and brings such joy to my life when she does.

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and that's part of what i absolutely love about my little brown bear. she is considerate and lovable, and she is intelligent and kind-hearted.

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i just want her to be the best little brown bear she can be. i want her to play and growl and run and jump and snuggle.

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