Friday, March 9, 2012

no drama!

fair warning. my latest mission...i seem to have a lot of those, don't i? to make my life a drama free zone.

the last three weeks have been completely and utterly exhausting. i wish i knew a better word to describe it. exhausting isn't big enough. i am bone-tired. i am feelings-tired. i'm worn and weathered and beaten.

and yet, i feel amazingly strong. like an oak tree that survives a tornado...though my leaves have been stripped away, new growth will occur because my roots are strong and embedded deep into the earth, deep into my faith.

the last three weeks have tested me, although my faith has remained strong. it's been one of the only things that have gotten me through everything. my faith in my Lord, my faith in my family, my faith in my family. there has been a lot of drama surrounding my life lately, and i'm starting to believe that it's me that is the problem. however, i know truthfully this is not the case.

jay has had multiple health issues, really over the last two years, involving lots of different things. without getting too gory or too personal, let me just say that it's been difficult. tough for him to bear. difficult for me to watch. and excruciating for the both of us to deal with in terms of life and responsibilities. it's very hard for him to lean on anyone, even me, when it comes to daily responsibilities. it questions his worth, i think. i don't, but he does. so that has been an ongoing battle that has really come to a head over the last three weeks. he's improving, and he's not dying, but we both now fully understand why marriage vows include the words in sickness and in health. he looked at me the other night, as i got home from a particularly long day at the office and working at our urgent care clinic, and as i curled up on the couch next to him to eat a snack, he told me he thanks God every day that we're together. when i asked him why, he said because i'm one of the only steady and stable things in his life. that no matter what, i'm always there, through good and bad and in between. again, with the marriage vows, for better or worse.

does this mean he is getting closer to God? i don't know, and i'm a little scared to hope about that, but secretly, i do hope so.

there are a couple of members of our respective families that like to stir the pot and cause a lot of drama. and this was especially the case last week. i couldn't move without my phone close by...which reminds me, i think i need a new one, as this one is sort of on the fritz. anyway, it seems that jay and i get sucked in to everyone else's drama.

it's not that i don't want to help people out. i thoroughly enjoy helping. i even like when people rely on me. however, i don't feel it's very fair when people need help because they're acting like a child when, in fact, they are older than i am. i am not a game player, although i have had a tendency to be a little passive-aggressive in the past. however, i don't do well in the he-said, she-said position, to the point that i usually end up telling the he and the she exactly what i think and remove myself from the situation. luckily, jay and i are on the same page with that, and we have an honesty policy that the other person should know all aspects of a given topic at all times. especially when it involves family and/or drama.

i think that for wedding vows to be brought up to date, it should state that you would love that person with drama and without.

thankfully, this last weekend was a time for just dade and i. jay was out of town and piper was with her biological mother, so dade and i had a wonderfully relaxing weekend. it was just what i needed. we went the entire day yesterday without turning the television on, until after dinner last night. it was nice. it was quiet. it was not chaotic. and that was exactly what i needed. there has to be a place where the quietness waits, where chaos takes a back seat to solitude. and i'm very fortunate that i have that in my home.

cheers to a drama-free zone.

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