Thursday, September 6, 2012

down the spiral



what does one do when one sees a person they care for spiraling downward at an incredible rate?  

i've seen it.  and i've been it.  and the first thing that crosses my mind, the more that i think about this, is i wonder if this is what everyone else felt when i was out of control.  

when i was out of control, i was reeling from my mom's diagnosis, from the news that my future husband was father to a child that was not mine, and i was living hours away from my family (and states away from my sister).  i tried to maintain.  i tried to self-medicate.  and i tried, above all else, to hold it all inside and not to bother anyone else with what was going on.

i actually thought i did a good job.  i really and truly believed that no one had any idea how troubled and severed i felt on the inside.  

of course, that was the furthest thing from the truth.  which i didn't find out until i was approached.  only then did the healing begin.  the self-medicating eventually stopped.  therapy commenced.  

i'm still not healed, nor am i the person i used to be.  i don't know if i ever will be.  and i'm trying to be okay with that.  most days, it's fine.  other days, i wish like crazy that i could get back what i once had....that spark, that giggle, that ease of giddiness.

but now, there is someone that's going through something that is so different, so foreign to me that i can't begin to understand where it comes from, or what it's like.  i can't fix it.  and that irks me to know end.

it is so bothersome when i can't fix things.  i just want to fix it NOW.  and i want it to be over.  and i want things to be happy and rainbows again.  

but i can't do that with this.  i can't make this go away.  and what's more is that i don't truly know for sure what's going on.  and i don't know what to do.  i know that this person hurts, and hurts in a way that i can't relate to, and i know that i don't want that anymore.

i can't sit still.  i can't sit back.  but i do.  and i wait.  and i wonder if i should say something, try to yell, scream, push, pull, or prod.  or just let it be.

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