Thursday, September 6, 2012
down the spiral
what does one do when one sees a person they care for spiraling downward at an incredible rate?
i've seen it. and i've been it. and the first thing that crosses my mind, the more that i think about this, is i wonder if this is what everyone else felt when i was out of control.
when i was out of control, i was reeling from my mom's diagnosis, from the news that my future husband was father to a child that was not mine, and i was living hours away from my family (and states away from my sister). i tried to maintain. i tried to self-medicate. and i tried, above all else, to hold it all inside and not to bother anyone else with what was going on.
i actually thought i did a good job. i really and truly believed that no one had any idea how troubled and severed i felt on the inside.
of course, that was the furthest thing from the truth. which i didn't find out until i was approached. only then did the healing begin. the self-medicating eventually stopped. therapy commenced.
i'm still not healed, nor am i the person i used to be. i don't know if i ever will be. and i'm trying to be okay with that. most days, it's fine. other days, i wish like crazy that i could get back what i once had....that spark, that giggle, that ease of giddiness.
but now, there is someone that's going through something that is so different, so foreign to me that i can't begin to understand where it comes from, or what it's like. i can't fix it. and that irks me to know end.
it is so bothersome when i can't fix things. i just want to fix it NOW. and i want it to be over. and i want things to be happy and rainbows again.
but i can't do that with this. i can't make this go away. and what's more is that i don't truly know for sure what's going on. and i don't know what to do. i know that this person hurts, and hurts in a way that i can't relate to, and i know that i don't want that anymore.
i can't sit still. i can't sit back. but i do. and i wait. and i wonder if i should say something, try to yell, scream, push, pull, or prod. or just let it be.